


This Memory

by violetends



Series: This Memory [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Lost Love, Memory Loss, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-03-19 15:48:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13707633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetends/pseuds/violetends
Summary: Set in an AU where Ken Kaneki is taken into the CCG after his fight with Arima, but he never loses his memory. He only pretends to lose his memory in order to protect those close to him. He takes on a new name and a new life, but he's just playing a role. But that all changes when he comes across :re and an all too familiar fragrance brings him back home...





	1. This fragrance...

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be a one shot, but there was a positive response to it that I had to continue it. Fair warning later parts/chapters will have smut. I will update as quickly as I can. Thank you!

**part one | _this fragrance..._**

**-**

When Haise walks by :re, the aroma escaping from its front doors hit him like a lightning bolt. He immediately stops dead in his tracks and his whole body tenses.

This particular coffee smell flooding his senses triggers memories he had pushed far back into the recesses of his mind. Because they were too painful. Too delicate. Too real.

They were memories of a life he left behind, a life that should remain left behind. To keep everyone safe.

But this fragrance…

_Touka-chan._

Haise  _–no, Ken–_  can’t push himself to ignore this scent. His body won’t let him. Not when she’s this close to him.

_After three years…_

Ken suggests to Shirazu and Mutsuki that they stop for a coffee break before heading back to the CCG and they agree to it. They honestly will do whatever their mentor wanted to do. That’s how dedicated they are. That’s the loyalty of his “children”.

He has to remind himself that he has a new family. An eclectic and yet deadly family that he has bonded with. And the thought of him ever leaving them…pains him.

When they walk into :re, the aroma hits Ken harder, so much so it makes his legs weaken. The shop itself is warm and welcoming. It’s so much like Anteiku, yet so different at the same time. But it feels like home.

The corner of Ken’s mouth twitches.

There’s only a handful of people in the shop. A couple at the counter and a group of three at a booth in a corner. And then theres Ken’s group that easily find a table almost in the center of the shop. Shirazu is quick to compliment his surroundings, something Mutsuki agrees with. 

They both look over the menus neatly placed in the the center of the table as Ken’s eyes continue to wander the coffee shop. The coffee smell was too distinct.  _She_  had to be here. Somewhere. 

But then Ken sees a familiar face.  _Yomo-san_. He had come from the back of the shop, carrying a tray of clean dishes and set them on the counter before his head lifted and his eyes settled on the new group of people who had sat down.

Yomo’s eyes widened only slightly when he saw Ken. He did recognize him and Ken swallowed hard.

Ken knew he had changed a bit physically. He had put on a bit more muscle and may have grown an inch or two somehow, and his white hair now had a black patch in the center of his head. But it was still him. 

“Hey! How many times do I have to tell you to greet our customers.” Ken heard  _her_  tell Yomo, but her eyes had fallen on him.

Touka’s eyes widened a little, just as Ken’s did as well. 

_Touka-chan…_

Her hair was a bit shorter, fluffier and there’s was a blue hue to it, but it remained parted and still covered the right side of her face, something he never quite understood why she hid her face. She was so beautiful…

Just like him, there were small physical changes, but she was still very much the same Touka Kirishima he knew–

“What a cute girl…” Ken heard Mutsuki comment, breaking his train of thought.

“Yeah.” Ken thought out loud, still keeping his eyes on Touka who was now walking up to their table.

“Welcome to :re,” Touka smiled and so did her eyes. “What can I get you?” She asked with a notepad in hand, prepared for a big order if that was the case.

“Three cups of coffee, please.” Ken replied, order for Shirazu and Mutsuki and giving her a smile of his own. She gave a nod and walked away. 

Something didn’t feel right. Something felt…wrong.

There was no familiarity in Touka’s eyes when she greeted him. There was a warmth to her, but it was just a friendly, courteous warmth that was routine of her when she greeted customers. 

But maybe Ken was wrong. Maybe she was holding herself back. Afterall, he had been gone for three years…

Still, there was excitement bubbling up inside Ken at the thought that he had finally returned. He had found Touka again and she was okay. He could feel a smile creeping up on his face, but when he looked up and over at Yomo, who had been staring at him the whole time, he gave Ken a slow shake of his head.

Something was  _very_  wrong.

After a few minutes Touka returned with three cups of coffee. Shirazu and Mutsuki thanked her, complimenting on how amazing the coffee smelled. They both fervently took their first sips and gushed about it’s taste, but she waited on Ken to take his first sip.

Ken looked down at his cup, wrapping his hands carefully around it as brough it up closer to his face and he continued to stare at it. He was able to see his reflection over the dark, enticing liquid, pushing back the nagging memories that were clawing away at him. 

He brought the edge of the cup to his lips and took a careful sip. The coffee washed over his tongue, sparking every tastebud into overload. His eyes stared at the cup once again, barely even noticing the tears building up in his eyes and then falling down his cheeks.

“Is it no good?” Touka asked worryingly.

_Just like the manager’s._

“Ah, no, it’s…it’s delicious. Really, it is.” Ken said, trying to blink away his tears and looked up at Touka who gave him a bright smile and handed him a napkin. He thanked her and took the napkin, dabbing his eyes and feeling so pathetic for having allowed himself to get affected this way.

“Sassan, are you alright?” Shirazu asked with concern all over his face. Mutsuki also looked troubled by what he was witnessing. 

“I’m fine, it’s just…the best coffee I’ve ever had.” Ken explained as he put on a big smile for everyone.

“Thank you, I appreciate the compliment. Enjoy!” Touka said before turning on her heels to leave him and his group alone. 

Ken watched her leave, seeing how she was still acting as though she didn’t recognize him. 

More tears stung his eyes.

–

When everyone had finished their coffees, Ken walked up to the counter. Yomo was nowhere in sight and what little customers were there before were gone with no new ones to replace them. But this was past peak hours. He remembered that…

“I hope the coffee was to your liking?” Touka’s voice got Ken’s attention. She stood behind the counter, still with a friendly demeanor.

“Not a drop left.” Ken answered. Touka seemed quite satisfied with his answer as she began to write up his check. “Have we met before?” He had to ask. He had to test her. 

 _Please, please, it’s okay. Just tell me…_  

Touka’s took a moment to study Ken’s face, but her brows came together. “No, I don’t believe we have.”

Ken’s heart sunk. “Oh. You look so familiar.” He admitted, though he sounded defeated.

“I get that quite a bit.” She said and rattled off what was owed. Ken pulled out some money, leaving enough to pay for the coffee and a bit more as tip. This was just an act. He was acting on his part, so was she. It had to be that.

_She still remembers me. I know she does…_

“Haise Sasaki!” Shirazu called out for him in a teasing way. “We’re going to late for our meeting.” He reminded his mentor.

Right.

“Thank you for delicious coffee.” Ken complimented again. “Until next time, Kirishima.” Ken smiled with his eyes before walking away. 

Before he did though he caught a glimpse of Touka’s expression at him calling her by her last name. She seemed…stunned.

~

**_a few days later…_ **

Ken visited :re everyday after that first time. He had gone by himself, in hopes of getting a moment alone with Touka. But he never saw her. He saw Yomo, who continued to look at him like an unwanted rat, which kept Ken from going up to him to ask him about anything. 

He immediately felt ostracized. But it didn’t stop him from wanting to see…speak to Touka. 

Ken could no longer sit back and watch as Touka continued to treat him as though she had never knew him. What had happened to her? Was she so upset at him that she was pretending he never existed to her? Or worse…did she forget about him completely?

Then someone joined him at his table. Sitting across from him was Nishiki. Another familiar face that he had missed…

_Senpai._

“Nishio.” Ken greeted him hesitantly, seeing how Nishiki did not look happy to see him. 

Then again, Ken expected it. They had fought not long ago. A brutal fight…

“Kaneki. Or is it Sasaki?” Nishiki asked through slit eyes.

“I had a role to play…” It’s true. He was a dove and he had to protect his squad from “Serpent”, but he had gotten a little carried away. That tended to happen…

“And you played it well. Bravo.” Nishiki said deadpanned. 

Ken sighed, looking away from him. “Nishio…”

“Don’t bother,” Nishiki sighed, not wanting to drag this on. “Yomo told me you’ve been coming here for the past few days.”

“Touka…I had to see her.” Ken confessed.

“Yeah, well, you need to stop.” Nishiki warned him, even he looked uneasy telling Ken this news. “I’m not going to give you an explanation, frankly you don’t deserve a fucking explanation, but you have to stay away from her. From  _here_.”

_Why?_

“It’s safe, Nishio. No one knows I’m–”

“It’s never safe, Kaneki.” Nishiki’s jaw clenched. “Just stay away. If really care about Touka, you’ll stay away.” He repeated before he got up from the table and walked towards the back of the shop. And that’s when Yomo appeared, standing stone-faced by the bar with intentions to physically remove Ken if necessary.

Everyone Ken knew were shunning him. 

What the fuck was happening? 

It didn’t stop Ken though. After he made sure everyone was gone, he made his move. Yomo and Nishiki had done a good job at keeping Touka away from him, but Ken caught on that she had been working the later shifts.

He waited outside of :re after the shop was set to close. Nishiki had left. Yomo was gone. Touka was left behind. 

Ken made his move.

He walked into the shop just as Touka was about to turn around to head out.

She groaned. “We’re close–” But she fell silent when she saw Ken stand before her. Her eyes blinked rapidly.

“Wh–What are you doing here?” She asked completely surprised. 

Ken could feel his heart race as he stared at the woman who had been there for his ever changing life and how he wished was a part of his life now.

“I had to see you, Touka-chan.” He let out with a deep exhale. He strode up to her, taking her again by surprised as he had her pinned against the counter. Her backside hit the counter with a thud and her back leaned back slightly as Ken got himself really close to her. He kept a small distance between them, but he desperately wanted to close that tiny gap.

His hands gripped the counter’s edge as he gazed over her stunned, pretty face. She smelled like coffee…

“Sasaki…” Her bright violet eyes were wide and her parted lips quivered in anxiousness. She was completely still, keeping her eyes locked with his. 

Did she really not remember him? 

“It’s not Sasaki, Touka-chan.” _Fuck it._  “It’s Kaneki. Ken Kaneki.” But his name did nothing to spark any familiarity in Touka’s eyes.

Ken had thought maybe telling her his name would make her remember, but as he stared into her beautiful, blank eyes, he saw that she was not playing a part like he was. He had lost her. 

Tears welled up in his eyes again at the heartbreaking fact that Touka could no longer remember him. The one good thing…the  _best_  thing…had been taken away from him.

Had they found her and done something to her? Had they erased her memories? 

“Did I know you?” Touka asked him barely above a whisper as she studied his glum face. 

_I never got the chance to tell you, you were everything to me.  
_

He should have told her then…

“In another life…” Ken let out, giving her a sad smile. 

_Let her go. This is for the best. You know that._

Ken shut his eyes for just a moment as his mind reminded him why this had to stop before it could even begin. As much as it hurt him and as much as his heart chipped away, he had to let this go.

He leaned in, placing his lips against Touka’s forehead before applying a gentle kiss. Her warmth touching his skin was enough to leave a searing feeling on his lips, like an electric shock that was felt even in his soul. 

“Thank you, Touka-chan. Thank you.” Ken whispered against her before tearing himself away from her, his body and heart screaming at him for having done so. 

“Kaneki…”

He kept walking.

~


	2. A sea of strangers

**part two | _a sea of strangers_**

-

_Two months later…_

“No good at all!” Ken reprimanded his underlings on their poor fighting skills. Shirazu showed some progress, but still lagged. Mutsuki needed a lot more training. And Saiko…

“Saiko! You didn’t even come at me once!” Ken walked up to Saiko who laid on the training room floor on her stomach, immobile and hiding her face in the floor.

“I’m dead.” She answered lazily. Ken knelt down and turned her over, making her sit up so she could look at him, but her eyes were practically shut.

“Be serious.” He sighed, pinching her cheeks but she absolutely had no desire to join in the training. This was frustrating. He let go of Saiko and stood up, running his hands through his hair. If he had to be honest though, he didn’t want to be here either.

_This is who you are now. Own it._

Ken took a deep breath.

“Neither quinque or kagune will be useful if you don’t have the basic fighting skills,” Ken looked at his squad with a stern look and his voice showed how upset he was. “Ghouls don’t hold back! You know this first hand. Remember Serpent?”

It was a jarring memory for Shirazu and Mutsuki, and he’s sure it was for Urie as well, as their faces turned sullen. But they had to be reminded that a situation like that couldn’t happen again. As much as Ken didn’t want to fight ghouls…this is who he was now.

“Sassan, just keep pushing us. Keep doing what you’re doing. We’ll get the hang of it.” Shirazu took a deep breath, looking determined to make his mentor proud.

Mutsuki, a bit shier, nodded in agreement with Shirazu. “We’ll keep trying, Sasaki.”

“Saiko?” Ken turned to her. She didn’t look happy and refused to look at him. It had been difficult with her, but he had a soft spot for the tiny girl. He really wished he knew how to get through to her, to have her really a part of this squad.

“Whatever you want, Maman.” She replied.

“Good. Then we’ll continue this tomorrow.” Ken stood up, straightening his shoulders and getting ready to leave the training room.

“Should we follow you…?” Mutsuki asked unsure. He had noticed his mentor was sneaking off somewhere. Everyone in the Quinx squad, except for Saiko, had been curious to know what was taking their mentor away from them.

“I just need some air.” He sighed. “Practice your knife skills, all of you.” Ken ordered before he exited the room.

–

Ken stood under the the shower for the longest time, letting the water beat over him as he had his hands pressed up against the tile wall in front of him with his head hanging. He watched the water beneath him spiral down the drain, hypnotizing him. He let himself be consumed by his thoughts and felt completely void of any emotion except for regret.

He regretted everything he had done that led him to this point –to this life– because it had cost him greatly. The price was having lost Touka.

_Touka-chan…_

Ken shut his eyes as he replayed that scene over and over in his head of when he revealed himself to her and there was nothing behind her eyes. Even if it was hatred towards him, he would have been okay with that because that would make sense, that would be something he expected. But all he was, was a forgotten memory and that hurt more than anything.

What was still consuming him was the why and what.  _Why_  did this happen?  _What_  caused her to forget? What had happened to her while he was gone? Was it temporary or was it permanent? Was he to blame somehow?

It had to be. He had stayed away to protect her, but all he did was fail her. He was such a fucking failure.

_No._

He slammed his fist against the wall, cracking the tile around it. He hated this, he hated all of it. He was doing just fine until he had to come across that fucking coffee shop. But this was his anger taking over his thoughts. This was Haise Sasaki’s anger because Ken Kaneki shouldn’t even exist anymore. In order to move on, everything that made Ken Kaneki needed to disappear…

He was killed three years ago.

He should have stayed dead.

-

When  ~~Ken~~  Haise said he needed some air he had really meant getting some air at a local bar. He never drank anything - alcohol was something his ever changing body rejected. And right now that’s all he wish he could do to drown the lingering feelings for…

_Touka-chan…_

_STOP THINKING ABOUT HER._

He needed someone else.

He had done it a few times before, even before seeing  _her_  again, finding a distraction in a random girl. It wasn’t like him to do that, but that’s exactly why he did it. It wasn’t him. It was Haise and it was so easy. He had the charm, he had the nice suit and cute looks, and it was just in the way he talked.

Haise’s first time was with a girl named… _named_ …he was so bad with names when he didn’t care. But she was pretty, shy and she had spilled her drink all over his pinstripe slacks. She turned bright red and apologized over and over, but it was no big deal, Haise had told her with a sweet smile.

She gave a bashful giggle as her short black hair casually fell over the side of her face for just a moment before she pushed it back behind her ear. And that’s all it took to trigger him.

He shared his first kiss with a complete stranger. He held his first pair of breasts of a complete stranger. He fucked a complete stranger.

Haise wasn’t thinking. He didn’t want to and that was the point. He just want to feel something other than this all consuming emptiness inside him. He wanted to feel numb. He wanted to feel nothing.

This girl and the others after her were just as eager to feel something too, even though it was completely different what they were chasing after. This girl had the softest skin and Haise loved how it felt against his lips, imagining it was someone else’s…

He had arranged her hair to fall over her right eye, hiding half her face. It was something that soon became a habit he did with the others as well. The girls never seemed to mind, they actually just seemed so happy that he was giving them that kind of tender affection, but they never knew why he did it.

He did it see her. To see Touka. And it always worked.

Even when he had these girls moaning and whimpering out his name…Haise’s name…he always heard Touka voice or how he imagined it would sound like if it was her he was fucking. God, was he so fucking desperate.

He dulled out his emotions even though he seemed to care, but he didn’t. He didn’t care at all. It was just a way to pretend he was with her. It was the one thing he wanted most and one thing he couldn’t have…an even harsher reality when he saw her again and couldn’t even remember him.

Unfortunately, no one of his particular taste caught his eye tonight. How fucking disappointing. He was going to be left with his nagging thoughts tonight and he already dreaded it.

When Haise returned home it was well past 3 a.m. and he was sure everyone was asleep. He walked to his room, wishing someone was up, even Saiko begging him to play video games would have been a godsend right now. Any distraction would have…

“Sensei.” Mutsuki’s voice came from behind him. He turned around to find Mutsuki standing just feet away from his own door, as if he had been waiting for Haise to return. “Did you want some company tonight?” He asked shyly.

This was another mistake Haise had made, another thing to add to his list of wrongs just so he could numb his pain.

It had started not long ago when Haise walked into the bathroom and came across Mutsuki half naked. He immediately apologized, telling Mutsuki he didn’t know anyone was in the room. Mutsuki looked at his mentor completely stunned and frozen in place when he realized he had been exposed.

Mutsuki was a woman. It was something Mutsuki, even since joining the CCG, had wanted to hide, but somehow Haise always knew. He respected Mutsuki’s decision though and it was none of his business to know why. But that night proved Haise right.

Haise was quick put on a bashful smile and turned away, acting as though he hadn’t seen what he saw. Mutsuki wasn’t used to that kind of reaction, having had a history of men looking at him like a object, but Haise… _Sensei_ …was different.

That was the night everything changed. Neither of them could explain what had come over them, but it happened and when Haise hadn’t been comforted by someone else, Mutsuki was there to take their place.

Like tonight…

Haise opened his door for Mutsuki as Mutsuki hesitated for a moment, but walked right in. Haise shut his eyes, already knowing this was wrong and that he would regret this in the morning like he always did. But that’s what his life was…full of regret.

He began to unbutton his shirt as he slipped into his room and shut the door behind him.

-

Haise had been debating on what to make for dinner. It had been awhile since he sat down with his squad and had a laid back dinner. Things had been tense since he had stripped Urie of being squad leader and his last training session with his squad. So, he wanted to make tonight something special.

Playing house was also something oddly gratifying to him.

“Cooking for someone special?”  _Her_  voice made Haise’s eyes snap wide open and his heart dropped. He slowly turned to look over his shoulder, finding Touka in beautiful lilac dress with a wide black belt around her waist and a long black cardigan. Her fluffy light blue hair still hiding half her face…

_Stunning._

“Kaneki.” She added, greeting him as she walked up closer to him, looking over the variety of vegetables. For a moment Haise’s heart stopped when he heard Touka say his real name, saying it in a way that he remembered years ago.

But she was simply recalling what he had told her the last time he saw her. Just saying his name. It meant nothing.

“I’m cooking for, uh,” He caught himself. “For family.” Which wasn’t a lie. His squad were his family.  _New_  family.

“Must be nice.” Touka commented, carefully analyzing a plump tomato in her hand before setting it back down. She then peeled her eyes away from all the vegetables and looked up at Haise, who hadn’t even blinked.

Haise immediately got lost in her violet eyes. There was still no spark in them, but he could see the Touka he once knew still deep within them.

_She’s still in there. She has to be._

He was still that hopeful.

“I was told you caused a scene at :re. That you got into some verbal fight with a customer and that you’re no longer welcome there.”  _Yomo and Nishiki._  “They said you were trouble. Dangerous.” Her eyes became observant and curious, as if she was anticipating a certain reaction from him.

 _Lies_.

He rubbed his chin, trying to laugh. “Yeah, I can lose my temper real quick. I’m just a bad guy. Bad to the bone.” He tried to make into a joke. That lie was a fucking joke.

“You’re lying.” Touka arched a brow at him. “You’re lying just like they’re lying to me. Why?” Even with no memory, she couldn’t be fooled. By anyone.

That’s when Haise tore his eyes away from her, looking past her and watching strangers human and ghoul alike walk by. A sea of strangers. He was a stranger to Touka and he was torn with keeping it that way, like Yomo and Nishiki wanted, even himself, or trying to reach out to her.

He took a deep breath, but still kept his eyes off her.

“They want me to stay away from you because I did things, awful things.” His eyes bore into hers, unable to conceal his sadness. He was reliving his past, a past that haunted him for three years and contributed to his never ending agony. A past he was was trying to erase with his new life. “I am dangerous.” And that also wasn’t a lie.

He felt so exposed to her gaze that lingered over him. But she wasn’t judging him. She wasn’t shutting him out. There was a little flicker in her eyes.

“I don’t believe that.” She said, a kind smile crossing her face. “There’s something about inside me that tells me you’re a good person.” Her words hit him deep.  _Good?_  His mind couldn’t process the word.

Touka walked up closer to him and he immediately froze as her scent overwhelmed him. She smelled of flowers and coffee…she smelled just like she always had. He had to shut his eyes for a moment, to let himself take in this closeness again. Wanting to immerse himself in her…

“There’s a good chunk of my life that’s missing from the accident I had.” She spoke. His eyes snapped open. Accident? What kind of accident?

“I don’t care what Yomo or that shithead Nishiki tell me. They say they’re looking out for me, but I can make my own decisions.” Touka reached up to brush some of his black and white hair out of his eyes, something that left him feeling weak in the knees. “I’d like to get to know you, Kaneki.”

His heart stopped.

_Just walk away. Keep her safe._

“I’d like that too, Touka-chan.” He smiled.

-


	3. The state of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly nsfw-ish.

-

**part three | _the state of you_**

 

-

_The next day…_

Haise had listened to Yomo and Nishiki. He never came back to :re and he never attempted to reach out to Touka since that day even though that is all he wanted, to see her, to understand what happened to her. He held himself back though, turning to other things to keep him from making an even bigger mistake.

But by chance, a goddamn miracle, Touka was brought to him. And he couldn’t turn away. Not from her, not when she willingly wanted to repair herself by getting to know him.

_Good. She thinks I’m a good person…_

That’s what filled his heart with so much warmth, filling in some of that emptiness inside him. He felt a dying fire ignite again and he was going to hold onto it for as long as he could.

After their chance meeting at the market, Haise had arranged to meet Touka the next day outside of :re…well, a good distance away from :re to avoid Yomo and Nishiki, but Touka stopped him.

“It’s Yomo’s day off and Nishiki is running errands for the shop. You’ll be fine.” She said.

“So, you want me to meet you in :re…?” He sounded so unsure.

“Yes, silly.” She wanted to laugh, but she held back. “Around two? That’s when my shift ends.” Her violet eyes glinting up at him. He could stare into them forever…

He nodded, giving her a genuine smile. “Okay, tomorrow then. Around two.”

“See you later,  _Ken Kaneki_.” She had said, giving a little wave as she walked away from him. The way she emphasized his name sent a surge of life into him. Keeping Ken Kaneki alive…

He felt a little like his old self again.

“Will we be training today, Maman?” Saiko had a sudden interest in training now. Maybe it was thanks to Shirazu and Mutsuki, Ken wondered.

Despite his old life coming back to life, he still had his part to play as Haise. This was a life he had built up for three years and it wasn’t something he could easily turn away from either. But how could he juggle both? How could he stand to be a hypocrite?

“I’ve set you guys up to train with Special Class Suzuya today. To sharpen those knife skills of yours.” He was awful with his puns, but they always made his squad (minus Urie) smile, even if they were just being nice.

“Suzuya? What about you, Sensei?” Mutsuki asked, puzzled by the fact that their mentor wasn’t training them today and he sounded a bit disappointed.

Whatever was between Haise and Mutsuki was exactly that, just between them. It was never brought up, but Haise could feel it. He had always knows Mutsuki had feelings towards him and he exploited that.

_I’m so sorry…_

“I have another matter to attend to. A sort of favor for Arima.” Haise answered, rubbing his chin. “I’ll be back late tonight.” He added before grabbing his coat and heading out of their home he shared with his squad. And just as he was leaving, Urie was walking in. Both Haise and Urie shared a look.

“Urie.” Haise called out to him, causing Urie to stop but not turn to face his mentor. “I was just telling everyone that you’ll all be training with Suzuya today and–”

“I won’t be attending.” Urie cut him off so coldly.

Haise blinked. “Wh–Why not?”

“I have a meeting with Washuu. A personal meeting.” Urie looked over his shoulder, making it very known to his mentor this was none of his concern or his business. And then he walked into the house, leaving Haise a bit stunned.

Things hadn’t been the same with Urie since Haise took his title as Squad Leader away from him and while Haise felt bad for what he had done, it was necessary. He had to do what was right for the squad, even if that mean hurting Urie and his pride. But now there was a certain level of disrespect from Urie and it was unsettling.

_You’re losing control._

-

With a new breath of life in him,  ~~Haise~~  Ken showed up at :re a bit earlier than Touka had expected and he arrived looking over his shoulder. His eyes were looking around frantically for any sign of Yomo or Nishiki, but he felt a little relieved when they were nowhere to be found.

But Touka was also nowhere in sight.

The shop was a bit busy, but there was plenty of staff and plenty of smiles going around. He could spend all his days in a place like this…if he were only welcome.

“Please, help yourself.” Touka’s voice caught Ken’s attention. He turned to his left slightly to find her standing there with a small smile. “To the books.”

“Ah, thanks.” He smiled back, picking up a book and he sat down at a small booth. There was a intense excitement stirring within him, but he did his best to hide it. The last thing he wanted to come off as was eager. God, was he eager though…

“You’re early.” Touka commented, setting down a cup of coffee in front of him as he began to slip off his coat.

“Sorry, I managed to get away from work early and just decided to come by sooner.” He apologized.

“No, it’s fine. But we’re actually getting really busy, so I might need to stay just thirty minutes longer until more baristas show up.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Ken flashed her a warm smile which also made her share a smile with him.

“Enjoy the coffee and book.” She turned on her heels and walked back into the chaos. As much as Ken tried to focus on reading, he couldn’t.

Hiding behind the book, he snuck gazes over at Touka as she worked. He watched how she interacted with customers, watched her give them warm smiles and bring them her famous manager’s special.

Touka sometimes caught him looking at her, which he’d quickly blush and hide behind his book even more. He just couldn’t help himself. After three years of only being able to see her in his own memories, seeing her in the flesh were his dreams coming true.

After about an hour Touka was finally free from her shift and strode up to Ken, who was very much into his book. Somewhere in that hour wait he had gotten lost in the pages, so much so he hadn’t noticed Touka standing next to his table.

She wanted to laugh as she reached for the book, shutting it closed in his hands. His attention finally fell on her.

“Ready.” She simply said, letting him know she was ready to head out. Ken smiled, stood up and walked back over to the books.

“So, where would you like to go?” Ken asked as he placed his book back where he had found it.

“My place.” Touka answered so easily, tightening her coat around her as a chill suddenly hit her.

Her answer had caught Ken off guard that the small stack of books that were neatly stacked fell over from Ken’s stumble. His face went red and he laughed nervously, apologizing under his breath as he tried to put it back in order.

“Ah, are you sure?”

“To talk over some coffee? Yeah, I’m sure. Something wrong?” She asked.

Ken shook his head. “N–No, nothing’s wrong. I, uh, just thought you’d want to go for a walk or something.”

“My place.” Touka leaned in closer to him, repeating herself with a grin on her face. All Ken could do was nod at her as she started to lead the way out of :re.

All sort of scenarios played out in his head. Did she really mean to talk and have coffee? Or was this code for something else?

_Of course it’s just talking and coffee! What else would it be?!_

Ken and Touka walked side by side, but not too close and he lagged behind just a second or two. His eyes kept going back and forth from the ground to her, catching the way she moved. Her hands were stuffed deep in the pockets of her purple coat, just like his were stuffed in his grey trench coat.

There was a slight hunch in her shoulders, but her eyes stared straight ahead with confidence and looked so beautiful. Her delicate profile was something etched in his memory, something he often dreamt of, always seeing her look over her bare shoulder as he kissed along her shoulder blade and watched as a small smile crossed her face with her eyes fluttering close.

It was always a dream that wretched his heart when he woke from it. But now that she was so close…

“You’re so close to drooling over yourself, Kaneki.” Touka noted, giving him a little smirk as her eyes flickered to him, catching him staring at her.

“Hah, I’m sorry, I get lost in thought a lot.” His eyes smiled, but his cheeks burned.

“Silly.” She muttered, shaking her head as they reached a large apartment building. She didn’t live far from :re, but it was still in a very nice and quiet part of town. A part that seemed unscathed by the CCG…by him.  _Haise_.

He felt a shiver go down his spine.

When Touka opened her front door and allowed Ken to walk in he was hit by the scent that followed her, only it was so much stronger and much more alluring. Coffee and flowers. He could help himself take a deep breath through his nose, letting his senses get overwhelmed by the smell.

“You can hang your coat over the couch, if you like.” Touka said as she slipped off her flats and began to walk over into the kitchen, getting everything she need to begin making the coffee she had mentioned. Ken began to take off his shoes and slipping off his grey trench coat, holding onto it for a moment before hesitatingly resting it over the headrest of the couch.

Even though Touka had let him in and seemed welcoming, he still felt like a stranger intruding. Part of him told him to turn around a leave. But he couldn’t.

“You can sit down, you know?” Touka popped her head out from the kitchen with a smile, letting Haise know it was okay to make himself at home.

Ken felt his cheeks go a little red as he walked into the living room space and took a spot on the couch. His attention was all over the room, noticing it was kept very simple, but mostly bare. There were papers spread about on the coffee table, order forms and other papers regarding :re.

But the one thing he noticed was the lack of photos. There was not a single photo frame in sight. And he wondered why.

“Here you go.” Touka appeared at his side, holding out a small plate with a cup of coffee on it.

“Thank you, Touka-chan.” Ken thanked her, smiling naturally and brightly at her as he took the coffee, but he held onto it as he watched Touka sit on the other end of the couch, pulling her knees up the the side and her hands in her lap. Her eyes steady on him, reading him in the way he looked, trying to catch something, but what?

Ken took a quick, but careful sip of the coffee Touka made him and once again it was perfect, but he couldn’t quite enjoy it. There was too much running through his mind. He leaned over to place the coffee on the table and took a deep breath.

What was he doing here?

“Touka-chan…” He looked over at her, but she already had plans to speak up first.

“You knew me.” Touka said with a deep exhale.

_Here we go._

He nodded. “We knew each other, yes.”

He could see the relief come over her with his answer as if somehow the that night he confronted her was just a dream to her. But she needed to know. He wanted her to know.

_Fix her._

“I didn’t think I’d ever meet anyone else from my past.” Touka looked down at her hands that scratched at her skirt. “Nishiki and Yomo…they’re all I know and I’ve depended on them to fill in the holes, but I know they’re not telling me everything.” She admitted.

Ken couldn’t think of why Yomo and Nishiki were so against him and why they were so careful with Touka. Why keep anything from her? Why lie? This accident must have been worse than he thought.

“What do you remember?” He asked, desperate to know and dreading it as well. This was going to hurt.

Touka’s eyes flickered up to Ken for a moment as she let the question sink in and he could see her mind trying to form a coherent answer. She then looked away from his gaze, setting her sight on all the papers on the coffee table. Her mind was very much like those papers…scattered…a mess.

“It’s hard to explain. It’s fragments of my past. Images with no context that make no sense to me.” She took a deep breath, recalling those images.

“Do you remember Anteiku?” He pressed on, hoping she would say yes because that’s where it all started, that’s what he could work with to help her remember him. And when her eyes fell back on him with a little light in them, he became hopeful again.

“That was a coffee shop too, right? Yomo told me I used to work there.” Her answer was devastating. Ken turned away from her as he felt tears sting his eyes.

Ken Kaneki was fading.

“Did you work there too? How did we meet? How long did we know each other?” Touka’s questions painfully hit him like a twist of a knife in his chest, inching closer to his heart. He knew she didn’t know that she was causing him pain. How could she? But it must have showed in his expression. No, it was his glassy eyes as they finally looked at her again.

“I must have meant something to you.” It hurt her to see his tears. “I see the pain, Kaneki, and I’m sorry. You have to know this hurts me too. I feel an emptiness inside me because I don’t know who I really am.” Touka’s voice cracked and she turned away, sighing, hating that she was getting emotional over something she had no control over.

But she did now.

Touka shifted herself close to Ken until she sat right beside him. Her knees were against his outer thigh and he could feel the heat off her body mix with his. And then she reached to take his hand in hers. Ken could feel his heart skipping beats with her just being near him, but to feel her…

He stopped breathing for a moment as their eyes bore into each others.

“If you’re part of my past and I want to try to remember it.” Touka said softly with a warm, but sad smile. “I want to remember, Kaneki.”

Ken nodded, giving her his own warm, but also sad smile. “I’ll do whatever it takes to help you remember, Touka-chan.”

-

Ken had remained in Touka’s flat longer than he planned on and all they did was talk. But instead of Ken overwhelming Touka with her past, he really wanted to know what she had been doing these past three years. He wanted to know how :re came to be and what other new adventures had she experienced.

And everything Touka talked about, from opening :re on a hunch, picking those books based off what she felt was right, and having late night poker nights with Yomo, Nishiki, Uta, and Itori, proved to Ken that despite the memory loss, she was happy. That’s when it clicked in his head.

Yomo and Nishiki didn’t remind Touka of every detail of her past because they didn’t want her to carry that pain anymore. She had built a life on a new found happiness. And that is why they kept him in the past.

He was just a painful memory that deserved to be forgotten because Touka deserved her happiness.

“You were with two others the other day. One of them called you Haise Sasaki, but then you showed again up telling me it was Ken Kaneki.” Touka’s seemed genuinely confused. “Why the two names…two lives?” She nailed it. Ken was living two lives, although one of them was a dying flame before he met her again. 

“You said I was a good person, but I don’t think I am. I wasn’t lying when I said I had done horrible things. As Ken Kaneki, I destroyed lives because I couldn’t control myself. So, I tried to better myself as someone else. As Haise Sasaki…I felt like I was making a difference.”

“Righting your wrongs.” Touka commented.

“Something like that.” And yet even as Haise, he was still fucking up.

“Well, I wasn’t lying either when I told you I felt you are a good person and I tend to believe what I feel ends up being right. That’s what’s gotten me through these last few years. Instinct, intuition…whatever you want to call it.” Touka’s warm eyes fell on Ken, catching him staring at her with uncertainty in his. “We’re both pretty messed up, aren’t we?” She mused with a half smile.

The corners of Ken’s lips quirked up a little. If that’s the way she saw things, she was messed up because someone or something caused that. For Ken, it was he own doing.

There was a silence between them, but a comfortable silence. It was something that happened between every so often when they talked, giving themselves that moment to let each other’s words sink in before speaking again.

But Ken knew he couldn’t stay here much longer. As much as he wanted to, as much as he wanted to stay right beside Touka…he couldn’t.

“What was the accident you had?” Ken finally asked towards the end of his visit. It was the one question that had been nagging him ever since she said there was an accident that caused her memory loss.

“I came face to face with a dove,” Touka replied with a sigh as she reached up to scratch the corner of her eye by her temple. “That’s all I know. Yomo said he found me. He never gave me the details of what had happened to me, but it was bad enough to cause this.” She scoffed, shaking her head.

Ken eyes were filled with complete shock and rage. Who? Who was the investigator? He could hear his heart throb in his ears from the anger boiling up inside him. This was not what he was prepared to hear. A dove did this to her…the same people he worked with…trained with…the very thing he was.

“I’m so sorry.” He let out in a whisper.

She didn’t seem to know he was a dove though and that’s what made this all the much harder on him. He was the thing he hated the most now. Ken felt sick to his stomach. He couldn’t bear to continue to see Touka in this state, not after knowing it was all because of the CCG.

Ken was quick to stand up, walking around the couch to gather his coat. “I really should be going.”

“If you want to drop by :re tomorrow, you can. It’ll be safe again.” Touka stood up as well, twiddling her thumbs as she watched Ken get ready to leave.

“Yeah, maybe I will.” He forced himself to give a smile as he slipped on his coat and his shoes, reaching for the knob of the front door, but before he did he turned to face Touka again to tell her goodnight. As he did though Touka had thrown herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him into a warm embrace that made him stumble slightly.

It surprised him. It was something so small, but to him it was all consuming. Her warmth and once again her scent overwhelmed him. He instinctively wrapped his arms around her, returning the hug. It felt right, it felt good, it felt like it should have been years ago.

“Goodnight, Kaneki.” Touka held him tighter, hearing him take in a deep breath, knowing he was taking in her scent. She smiled at the gesture.

Ken tightened his arms around her as well. “Goodnight, Touka-chan.” He breathed against her ear.

And then he let her go, ignoring his body’s screams.

-

Ken’s body was full out punishing him for having walked away from Touka like that, when he craved for more of her. But he couldn’t let his body take over him. This was Touka, she was not like the others. She was not meant to be used and disposed of. And besides, did she even want him? She didn’t even know him!

She may never remember him.

The pain in his heart intensified.

_Fuck this pain…_

When he arrived back home, it was past midnight and I really hoped everyone was sleeping. But he could hear Saiko’s TV, no doubt busy with her games with possibly Shirazu playing with her, and there was light coming from Urie’s room, but Mutsuki…

“Where have you been, Sensei?” Mutsuki must have sensed Ken, he had been waiting outside his room in nothing but an oversized shirt.

“Shhh,” Ken walked up to closer to him, not wanting to disturb anyone. “My mission ran late. What are you doing up? You should be resting. We have training tomorrow.” He whispered.

“Oh, so you’ll be training with us this time?” Mutsuki murmured, looking down at the floor, at their feet.

“Of course.” Ken said. Though he didn’t want to. “Get some sleep, Mutsuki, that’s an order.” He began to walk past him, but hands quickly grabbed at the back of his coat, stopping him.

“Sensei, don’t leave me alone tonight.” Mutsuki pressed himself against Ken’s back, resting his head between his shoulders.

_Not this._

Ken sighed. “Mutsuki…”

“Do you want me to stay quiet about this? Do you want me to keep what we’ve done to myself?” Then give me what I want. That’s basically what Ken was gathering from this. Mutsuki was guilt tripping him, reminding him that this is something he started and something he just couldn’t walk away from.

“You know you need this too, Sensei.” Mutsuki had moved in front of Ken, letting his hands roam over his chest.

And in a way Mutsuki was right. Even though this needed to stop -this never should have started- Ken was still letting himself become consumed by his selfish desires that he needed to satisfy. Like a drug. A fix. An easy way to get high and numb the pain.

_Just this time and then find a way to put an end to this._

That’s what Ken told himself as he shut his eyes tightly, and painfully, taking Mutsuki’s face in his hands to join their lips. But there was no feeling on his end. It was just part of the routine, just for contact.

But for Mutsuki, this was everything to him.

Mutsuki walked back towards Sensei’s room and just as the door opened, another one shut. Ken immediately pulled away to see who it could have been. He could still hear games in Saiko’s room, but Urie’s light was off now.

 _Urie_.

Ken didn’t have much time to think as Mutsuki pulled him into the room and shut the door behind them.

-

Ken had slipped out of his room and out of the house when it was nearing 2 a.m., unable to sleep with what he had done and with Mutsuki laying naked next to him. He wallowed in his own self hatred for all that he’s done and he would never be able to move on from that.

Or could he?

He found himself walking in a direction he didn’t mean to talk. Touka’s home. He had meant to go to a bar, but instead his feet led him to Touka.

_No, turn around. Don’t do this. Don’t bring her into this mess._

That’s what he kept telling himself, but he didn’t listen.

He made his way to Touka’s flat, reaching her front door and staring at it for the longest moment as he leaned forward to rest his forehead against it. His hand soon splayed over the door as well, his nails digging into paint covered wood.

It wasn’t too late to turn around. To find other means of easing this pain he was in. But there was only one person who could make that pain go away.

_Touka-chan._

He knocked on the door.

After about a minute Touka finally opened her door, finding Ken completely disheveled. He was in his suit, but without his coat. His pinstripe pants were wrinkled, his black shirt wasn’t completely tucked in and buttoned up only halfway with his sleeves pushed up to his elbows, and his hair…his black and white hair was sticking out at all ends. But it was the look on his face that worried her.

Ken looked tired, drained of all energy, and in pain.

Touka didn’t say anything as she took a hold of one of Ken’s cold hands and pulled him into her flat.

“Kaneki, you’re so cold.” Her hands rubbed up and down his arms. “What happened to you?” She asked concerned.

Ken simply hung his head and began to sob. Touka sighed as she then led him over to the couch, sitting him down. He leaned forward to cover bury his face in his hands. What a fucking mess he was. She knelt down in front of him, rubbing her hands over his forearms, trying to be of some comfort to him.

“Let me get you a blanket.” She stood and began to walk away from him, but she felt him snatch her wrist to stop her.

“I’m fine.” His grip around her wrist wasn’t rough, but he wanted to. He wanted to pull her down to him, to have her body warm up his, to feel her lips against his. “I’m sorry.” He let her go.

Their eyes met briefly before Ken’s actually paid attention to what she was wearing, just a pair of silky blue shorts and a simple purple tank top where he could see her nipples poke through the thin fabric.

His jaw fell slack, feeling a heat course through him and a knot build up in the pit of his stomach, but he turned away from her. This was a bad idea. A fucking terrible idea.

And suddenly Touka joined him on the couch, sitting next to him…no, right up against him. He got a taste of that warmth he craved for.

Ken sat there as in a complete trance as Touka’s eyes gazed over her fingertips that slowly traced his parted lips, feeling how soft they were and feeling his warm breath against her fingers. It sent a shiver up his spine and it felt good. He could see her lost in her own thoughts as she continued to stare at his lips.

“I don’t know how I held myself back from kissing you.” She said softly as she leaned in closer, removing her fingers and replacing them with her lips. But she only grazed his lips with hers. “What I fool I was.” She added barely above a whisper as she went in for a kiss.

Her kiss was gentle but searing. This had been something he was only able to experience in his dreams, but even his dreams didn’t do this moment justice. Her lips were softer, fuller, and much more addicting than he ever dreamt possible. She deepened their kiss and he hungrily responded, slipping his tongue into her mouth and their tongues stroked each other.

Ken’s hands, that rested at his sides, curled into tight fists. He was holding himself back from taking over. If he had his way he’d have her over the armrest of the couch, fucking her from behind until she was crying out his name, and chasing his high until he came deep inside her.

He pulled away sharply as his own thoughts shocked him.

Both of them were left breathless, but Touka looked worried she had done something wrong. Ken was quick to cup her face in his hands and shook his head at her.

“This is all I’ve ever wanted, Touka-chan.” He sighed.

_You have no idea how much I’ve wanted this, how much I’ve wanted you._

“And I feel this is something I’ve wanted too.” She turned her head slightly just enough to press her lips against the inside of his wrist, kissing it.

Ken’s eyes widened slightly feeling her lips against his skin, against his racing pulse. His breath hitched as Touka moved herself over him, straddling his lap and reaching for his hands, placing them over her breasts.

His hands remained stiff over her, feeling her nipples against the palms of his hands. For once he didn’t know what to do. Here he was wanting to have his way with her, wanting her for all these years and dreaming of this moment, and now he was completely frozen.

Ken swallowed hard, staring at his unmoving hands and watching her chest move along to her rapid heartbeat. His eyes flickered up to her uncovered eye. There was a mixture of fear and lust burning her violet orb and he was sure she could see the same thing in his eyes.

“Touch me.” Touka let out wantonly, her hands making his fingers grab a hold of her breasts. “Feel me, Kaneki.” She murmured against his gaped open mouth. But what set him off was when he felt her hips roll once harshly against him.

Ken groaned, not realizing until he felt her move against him that his dick was hard already. God, if this is how good it felt with clothes between them, how would he be able to last to have her naked against him, to have his cock buried inside her.

“Would this be your first time too?” Touka asked looking deep into his eyes, trying to read him and hoping to find the answer she wanted to hear.

Part of Ken wanted to tell her the truth because that would be the right thing to do. But how could he admit to what he had done? How could he tell her that everyone he was with he saw her? How could he admit to his desperation?

If he couldn’t even forgive himself, then neither would she.

All he could do was rest his forehead against hers, shut his eyes tightly and give her a small nod, unable to look in her the eye when he lied to her.

 _Coward_.

“Touka-chan…” He moaned, squeezing her breasts roughly and then letting a hand pinch her nipple through the purple fabric, causing her to let out a sharp gasp of as pain and pleasure hit her. She arched into him, wanting to feel more, wanting to be consumed by his touches and kisses just like her unexplainable feelings for a man she barely knew had consumed her.

She just knew she needed this. She wanted this.

_Who are you Ken Kaneki and why do I want you so much?_

Then there was a frantic knocking at the door, causing Ken and Touka to turn their heads towards the door, disturbing their moment together.

-


	4. Back to the start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (this chapter contains smut)

part four |  _back to the start_

-

Mutsuki awoke to a chill hitting his back and he already knew Haise was gone without having to turn around to find out. Haise never stays. His thoughts were always too loud and they never let him rest, that’s what he had told Mutsuki one night when he sat on the edge of the bed looking like a complete zombie.

But then he would be gone, always reaching a point where he had to be somewhere else other than home.

Mutsuki never attempted to follow him, he simply stayed in Haise’s bed as long as he could before sneaking away back to his own bedroom before dawn. But it bothered him. He wanted to know where his Sensei was. What he was doing? Was he with…someone else?

They were all so lonely, but for Mutsuki and Haise, what they had made things more bearable.

Mutsuki sighed as he finally slipped out of Haise’s bed, grabbed his shirt off the floor and slipped it on before quietly sneaking out of the room. Sometimes the floor would creak if stepped on the wrong way, but Mutsuki knew exactly where to tiptoe without making a sound.

Or so he thought.

Mutsuki let out a gasp when he looked up from watching his where his feet were stepping and found someone standing in the hallway, blocking the entrance to his room.

“Urie.” Mutsuki blinked, already feeling his heart race.

Urie was already in his suit and had his hands stuffed in his pockets with a very stoic expression, but there was obvious disappointment glimmering in his eyes. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” said Mutsuki, pulling down the front of his shirt in nervousness and covering more leg.

“I mean, what are you doing with Sasaki?” Urie’s jaw clenched.

Mutsuki winced. Why did Urie care? What gave him the right to even ask a question like that?

“That’s none of your business.” Screw being quiet, he didn’t tiptoe or care where he was stepping as he walked past Urie, avoiding any kind of contact with him. They were supposed to be a team, a family, and yet they were all strangers with their secrets.

“He’s going to hurt you, Mutsuki.” Urie sighed.

Mutsuki looked over his shoulder with furious eyes, a look so intense it rattled Urie deep down. “Sasaki only hurts himself, not others and I’m helping him.” And he walked into his room, slamming the door behind him.

-

The knocking continued on Touka’s door and it had left Ken and Touka unmoving and staring at the door.

_Who could it be at this goddamn hour?_

“Touka, it’s Nishiki, open up!” Nishiki’s voice on the other side of the door sounded hurried, but also a bit annoyed as Ken and Touka looked at each other for a moment. Ken removed his hands from Touka and fisted them at his side.

“Hold on!” Touka yelled back as she looked disappointed that this had to ruin what she had going with Ken. “I’m sorry.” She whispered to him.

Ken shook his head. “It’s okay, but uh, should I stay here or…?”

“Stay in my room and just wait there until I find out what this shithead wants.” She began to remove herself from his lap and buttoned her blouse back up. But for Ken, he was in a painful situation although he tried hard to not show it as he uncomfortably got up and took a few steps, slightly doubled over as he tried to not strain his dick any more.

Unfortunately, there was no time to be delicate as Touka grabbed Ken’s coat and ushered him towards her room. Once there she threw his coat over the bed, gave him a light shove to get deeper into her room, and flicked on the switch that turned on a small lamp by her bed before shutting the door. Once Ken was inside Touka’s room he cursed to himself and took deep breaths to process what was happening - what was about to happen with Touka.

After a moment of collecting himself, Ken looked around Touka’s room. The bed was slightly a mess and there were a couple of garments on the floor by her closet. The walls were plain, but on top of her dresser and nightstand there were small bouquets of flowers. That’s what had been giving off the smell that filled the whole flat, the scent that lingered all over Touka. It was intoxicating.

Muffled voices in the living room snapped Ken out of his trance.

 _Nishiki_.

Ken walked over closer to the door, turning his head so he could press his ear against the wood. Over the past few years he had trained his ghoul senses to hone in on certain things when he really focused. He shut his eyes and listened in on Nishiki and Touka’s conversation.

-

Touka opened her front door and let Nishiki walk into her flat. Two scents hit her nostrils as he walked by her: rain and blood. She shut the door and narrowed her eyes as she immediately walked up to Nishiki to inspect him.

“The hell?” Nishiki held up his hands as Touka studied his soaked trench coat.

“Why is there blood on your coat?” Touka reached up to thumb a spot of blood on one of his sleeves. It was still wet. “What the fuck, Nishiki? What you doing roaming the streets this late anyways? Picking more fights like that one time you came into the shop with a hole in your stomach?” She was referring to that night Nishiki came to her in the middle of the night with a gaping - _healing_ \- hole through his abdomen. Nishiki had claimed he just ran into some trouble, but Touka always suspected it was him starting a fight to deal with whatever personal issues he had boiling up inside him over Kimi.

“I didn’t pick a fight–ah, just fucking forget it.” Nishiki felt himself getting defensive as he pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. He took a deep breath to calm down before dropping his hand to rest at his side, looking at Touka seriously. “I’m here to tell you to stay here, just avoid going near :re later today.”

Touka crossed her arms and arched a brow at him. “Why?”

Nishiki sighed, looking past her as if he was struggling to find the words. “Remember Reo and Yui?”

She nodded. “Yeah, they’re regulars and own that meat shop on–”

“They’re dead.” Nishiki let out. Touka’s eyes went wide with shock.

Reo and Yui were a cute elderly couple that owned a meat market close to :re and every Saturday morning they came into the shop for a cup of coffee and to chat with Touka and Nishiki. They had grown fond of the couple to the point that they always looked forward to Friday mornings just for them.

And they were also ghouls.

“What? When? How?” Touka shook her head, trying to process the tragic news.

“Just now.” Nishiki said. He began to explain what he had witnessed, how he was out and about and stumbled on the meat market with a couple of cars parked in front of it. The lights were on and he had wondered why since it was so late at night, but after a cool breeze swept his way, there was a smell in the air that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. The smell of death.

Doves had probably been staking out the place. Nishiki had heard about them spreading out into their ward, into this peaceful side where they knew they were safe, but it was only a matter of time. Reo and Yui had rough lives, just like every other ghoul, but had spent decades keeping a low profile and never showed an ounce of violent tendencies. They were just trying to live. Like everyone else.

“Wh…What happened to them?” She had to know.

Nishiki rubbed his forehead. “They took Reo because of his past history as a rinkaku and Yui…they had no record of her, but because she’s a ukaku and they’re being picky…”

“They’re going to harvest him but dispose of her…” She knew how the CCG worked, they preferred everything else over ukakus. Except her father.

Nishiki nodded sadly. Touka covered her face for a moment, letting her own sadness affect her, letting herself mourn for the sweet couple she knew.

“Their meat market was just four blocks away, Nishiki.” She thought out loud, but then she wiped away the couple of tears that her eyes shed before crossing her arms again and straightening herself up.

“Fucking doves, they’re are making their rounds around the area. Yomo is convinced they will have someone in :re later today and he doesn’t want to risk you being there.” He sighed, scratching the back of his head.

Now she was agitated. “But I’m fucking good at playing human. I can sniff out doves, you know that. If they do decide to come into :re and I’m there, I can–”

“No, Touka. I’m backing Yomo on this. They’re getting closer and he - _we_ \- don’t want to see anything happen to you…” He caught himself before he could finish his sentence, but she finished it for him.

“Again?” Nishiki’s fallen gaze was her answer. She understood where Yomo and Nishiki were coming from. They were the ones who witnessed what happened to her, who saved her, but did it have to continue to be part of her life? She wasn’t going to start a fight. Not right now. “Fine. How can I say no to an extra day off. Thank you as always, Nishiki, but you can leave now.”

Touka began to push Nishiki towards the front door.

“Tch, so rude, brat.” He let out, but before he could be pushed out of the apartment completely, he put some energy into stopping Touka from pushing him any further. He was that strong. She groaned in annoyance, she always did when he had to show off how strong he had become. “You are staying put, right?” He needed to hear it.

Touka groaned in complete irritation. “Yes, shithead, I’m staying here. Now leave!”

“I’m going, I’m going!” And like that Nishiki finally left, leaving Touka to her thoughts. Her mind kept going back to the doves. How many of them she had come across, wondering how many of lives were ruined because of them and how one day…one day they wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone anymore.

 _Ken_.

She remembered him being left in her room.

-

Ken swallowed hard as he backed away from Touka’s door and stepped back until the back of his knees hit the edge of her bed. He allowed himself to stumble back and plopped down onto the mattress, staring at the door as Nishiki and Touka’s conversation sank in. His heart ached for Reo and Yui and he wished he could have done something to stop it.

That’s when it hit him that he still a dove himself, a dove that struggled with taking a ghoul’s life, but he had to…

It could have been him being sent to kill that couple…and he wouldn’t be able to refuse…

The bedroom door opened and Ken’s eyes flew up to find Touka standing there, pushing her hair behind her ears and staring at him as he sat on the edge of her bed with a hidden sadness behind her eyes. She always thought she hid it well, but Ken could always see behind them.

He said nothing as she began to saunter up to him and without hesitation straddled him. She easily fixed herself to same position she had been before they were interrupted and Ken made no attempt to stop her again. Her fingers went up to brush some of his fluffy, layered white and black strands out of his eyes so she could get a better look at him. It made him feel so vulnerable.

“Where were we?” Touka wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him to her. Her lips brushing over his as he gasped. The heat between her legs already making his semi-hard dick harden once again. His body was starved for this…for her. But the moment Touka’s lips covered his in a sweet, tender kiss, he felt all wrong.

_This is wrong._

“Touka-chan, wait…” Ken pulled away from Touka, once again his body screaming bloody murder at him.

“What’s wrong?” She asked worryingly, her nails softly raking along his scalp behind his head and making him shudder just a little bit.

“Nothing. I–I just…” Ken paused for a moment, letting his stare really look into Touka’s bright violet eyes. He could see she wanted him, but she couldn’t quite understand why. She still didn’t remember him. She didn’t know him. And because of that it made him feel like he was with just another one of his flings and Touka deserved better than that.

“I should go.” His voice was strained -  _pained_.

He began to pry her arms from around him, gently removing her from his lap and sitting her down on the bed as he stood up and internally fought against his body that wanted to go against what his mind was telling it to do. He grabbed his coat and slipped it on, tightening the strap around his waist so tightly it made him wince.

“Did I do something…wrong?” Her brows came together with the look of rejection on her.

He kneeled down in front of her, trying to get her to look at him, but she was trying to avoid making eye contact. She allowed her hair to fall back over her eye, hiding behind her strands. She seemed so embarrassed and hurt. It made this all the more harder for him to leave and it made him hate himself even more.

“No, you’ve done nothing wrong, Touka-chan.” He didn’t know what he was thinking when he reached up to brush her blushing cheek with his knuckles before the pad of his thumb skimmed over her slightly parted lips. They were so full and so smooth. All he could think about was wanting those lips wrapped around his cock and wanting to kiss them until they were swollen.

_No…_

Ken pulled away from Touka, standing up and turning on his heels to make his exit.

“Will you come back later?” Touka asked worryingly. “I’m going to be cooped up in here all by myself…” She added. There was something in her voice that hinted she didn’t want to be alone. She wanted him to be with her.

Ken nodded at her and gave her his sweet trademark smile with a rub of his chin. “Yeah, I will.”

He lied again. That’s what he was best at.

-

_Weeks later…_

Ken never went back to see Touka. He had forced himself to stay away from her, to keep her away from the mess that was his life and his lies. He stayed away for her own good. At least, that’s what he tried to tell himself.

He had so desperately wanted her to remember everything, especially when it came to remember him, but there was also a strong part of him that wanted her to live her life forgetting him. It would be less painful for her. He wanted her to be happy. Even if that meant without him.

Chaos had ensued at the CCG in that time that Ken stayed away from Touka. It had started when the Q’s were tasked with investigating Nutcracker, a dangerous ghoul the CCG wanted to eradicate. And because of that it led them to be part of an auction where ghouls gathered. The problem was it was only Mutsuki who was set to attend undercover, leaving the rest of the group to be part of unit that would go in when and if necessary.

This had made Ken uneasy. Even with Suzuya tagging along with Mutsuki as his backup it did little to ease Ken’s nerves. It wasn’t that he didn’t think Mutsuki could handle himself, he was just worried something would go wrong and he wouldn’t be there in time to help.

“You’re worried, Sensei.” Mutsuki observed, swallowing hard as he kept his gaze straight ahead and watched as CCG investigators walked by them. They stood outside Arima’s office, side by side, waiting for their turn to speak with Arima. Ken still had his concerns and requested the meeting, asking Mutsuki to join him in case the mission went to someone else.

Ken took a deep breath, keeping his focus on everyone but Mutsuki. “I am. I’m worried this can go all wrong for everyone.” He admitted.

Ken’s concern was genuine. Even with everything he was doing wrong with Mutsuki, he still cared. He cared for his entire squad. His family. If anything happened to any of them…

“I’m worried too, but I know you will be nearby and you won’t fail us.” Mutsuki tried to get his Sensei to look at him, to give him a smile. But he never did. Mutsuki honestly couldn’t remember the last time Sensei gave an honest smile.

“I really hope I don’t fail you, Mutsuki.” Ken took a deep breath, still avoiding eye contact with Mutsuki, but he could feel his starry eyed stare on him. Mutsuki had too much faith in him…

_Keep it together, Ken. Haise keeps it together._

“Haise, Tooru, come in.” Arima’s door opened and Ken and Mutsuki made their way inside.

-

The meeting did not go the way Ken hoped it would. Mutsuki was still the pick of the group to attend the auction and Ken would have to keep his distance. Arima reminded his protege to have more confidence in the mission and in Juuzou. Somehow Arima had calmed Ken’s nerves, but only slightly.

They were dismissed, but Arima pulled Ken aside to speak with him alone.

“Haise, I feel your emotions are heavily involved in this mission.” Arima was good at reading people, which always put Ken on edge, but he always kept up the act.

Ken gave Arima a nervous smile. “Mutsuki is part of my family. The only family I know.”

“Mmhmm, understandable.” Arima noted. “But perhaps your memories are having an effect on you again?”

Ken frowned, rubbing his chin. “I have them under control. They’re not making me more emotional, if that’s what you’re implying.”

“You have a good heart, Haise,” Arima brought his barriers down a little. “You’re a sensitive soul, but this job requires you to harden yourself and I know that’s something you continue to struggle with, something that I know Akira-san has been working with you on. Just know the more you allow yourself to get attached, the harder it will be when it’s gone.” He never said ‘if’ and that’s what shook Ken at his core.

_When it’s gone…all of it._

-

Arima’s last words plagued Ken’s mind. He tried to focus, he tried to give the upcoming mission his all, and in the end it wasn’t enough. Ken had let down his squad. His family was broken. Ken’s worst fear of things going wrong became a reality.

Mutsuki had been kidnapped. Somewhere along the way, after exposing Nutcracker and coming across the infamous Big Madam, Mutsuki crossed paths with another ghoul the CCG had their sights on…Torso.

Shirazu and Saiko had managed to bring down Nutcracker. Juuzou had everything under control until Big Madam lost control and he took care of her. Mutsuki had notified his squad that he had made it out of the auction, but that he was being followed, Urie sprung into action to save him, going against Ken’s orders to not go after Mutsuki alone.

Ken tried to catch up with him, but came face to face with someone who knew who he was. Karren von Rosewald. Since Ken smelled similar to Mutsuki, who Karren had rightfully bought at the auction, Karren settled on trying to bring back Ken to her master…Tsukiyama. Memories of Tsukiyama hit Ken like a brick. It was yet another name from his past that had come back to him.

By the time Ken fended off Karren, which had really put his skills to the test, he had gotten to Urie too late. Ken found Urie struggling to regain his sanity after losing control over himself and muttering how Mutsuki had stopped him from losing his mind completely, but Torso still managed to get a hold of Mutsuki.

Mutsuki’s blood was all over the floor, no doubt from Torso piercing him with his kagune to get the upper hand. It was all too much for Ken and the rest of his squad to process and Ken had no doubt felt guilt over the whole situation. Had he just kept fighting to keep Mutsuki out of the auction…

“Don’t fucking touch me, Shirazu!” Urie snapped at Shirazu, who only tried to give his brother a pat on the shoulder. “This is all his fault!” He then pointed at Ken.

Ken, who had kept to himself since getting home, turned to look at Urie just as he charged at him, knocking him to the floor and throwing punches at his mentor. Ken had been taken by surprise, but even when he realized what was happening, he made no attempt to stop Urie or fight back.

It lasted mere seconds before Shirazu forcibly tore Urie off their mentor, but even then Urie was wild with rage and Shirazu could barely hold him back. Ken sat up, feeling the effects of Urie’s violent outburst. He could taste blood in his mouth and his jaw was making a popping movement.

“GET OFF ME! I’M GOING TO KILL HIM!” Urie was so enraged that his kakugan had flared and if Shirazu kept a holding onto him, his kagune might emerge as well.

“I get your anger, Urie,” Ken began to get onto his feet. “I blame myself for what happened. I should have fought harder to not having Mutsuki take on a mission like this…”

“He did it for you.” Urie told him through clenched teeth, seeming to have calm down a bit, but Shirazu still held onto him as Saiko stood at a safe distance between the men, watching helplessly as they fought. She just wanted them to stop.

Ken’s brows furrowed, trying to make sense of what Urie had told him as Urie shrugged Shirazu off him. “Mutsuki could have and would have turned down the mission if it wasn’t for you. He wanted to prove himself…to impress you.” Urie breathed, keeping his anger filled eyes on his mentor with tight fists.

Ken shook his head. “I don’t think that’s what he–”

“Don’t give me that bullshit!” Urie shut him up. “If you had just kept your dick in your pants, none of this would have happened!”

Ken’s eyes went wide along with Shirazu and Saiko. “Urie, don’t accuse Sassan of something like that!” Shirazu spoke.

Urie straightened himself, looking directly into Ken’s shocked eyes. “I’m not accusing him of anything. It’s the fucking truth. Isn’t it, Sasaki?”

“Maman?” Saiko tiny face held such a huge expression of shock.

Ken took a deep breath, a breath that stung his lungs. “That is between me and Mutsuki…”

“No, it isn’t. You two tried to hide it, but I knew. I knew what was going on and then something like this happens and it involves all of us. But in the end it’s all on you. This is  _your_  fault.” Urie spat. Ken had not only felt guilty for what transpired tonight, but he already had a lingering guilt for the affair he started with Mutsuki. Now everyone knew what a selfish person he was.

“I’ll fix this.” That’s all Ken could say, but he couldn’t even look at any in the eye.

“No. You’re not helping anyone, Sasaki. You’re just…ruining lives.” Uries words hurt far more than his punches. “I’m going to be the one that finds him. I’ll be the one who find Mutsuki to show to him that you never cared about him. You just used him.” Urie stormed off, leaving everyone to soak in what was said.

Ken felt such a weight in his chest that his face contorted in pain. He couldn’t handle it. He didn’t want to deal with it. He wanted to numb it.

He didn’t even bother grabbing his coat as he made his way to the front door.

“Sassan!”

“Maman!”

Both Shirazu and Saiko called out for him to stop him, but it was too late, Ken was already out the door.

-

Ken knew exactly where he needed to go to get his mind off of everything, but his own feet were taking him somewhere else. He knew exactly where he was headed and in his right mind he would have fought himself from continuing on, but he wasn’t in his right mind.

He did not fight back.

He ended up at Touka’s doorstep, staring blankly at her front door for a long while before pressing his knuckles against the wood and then knocked on it a few times. But after a minute…then two…three…four minutes and no answer, Ken shut his eyes and leaned forward to rest his head against the door.

_What were you thinking? Fucking coward, turn around and walk away._

“Couldn’t stay away, huh?” Touka asked from down the hallway of the floor. Ken turned his head slightly to catch a glimpse of her. She was in a casual getup - a simple light blue blouse with a flowy black skirt with black stockings and flats. She still had her apron on. She must have come straight from :re.

She looked good, but furious. Ken couldn’t blame her. He had lied to her.

Ken could only shake his head at her for his answer as she began to walk up closer to him. When he turned to fully face her, her expression softened from that of disappointment to worry. “Geez, you look like shit, Kaneki.” She commented, really bothered by how he appeared.

He didn’t know how bad he looked, but considering what he had been dealing with, it wasn’t something he could easily mask. Even if he wanted to, he didn’t even have the energy to do so. His eyes fell away from her when it set in that he had once again done the wrong thing by showing up here.

He really couldn’t stay away. Especially when it was Touka who said she saw a good person in him. Ken felt she was the only one who saw that and it meant everything to him.

Ken burst into tears, falling forward to bury his face into Touka’s shoulder, his tears finding comfort in her blouse, soaking that part of her shoulder, but she didn’t push him away. He went still when he felt her arms wrap around him in such a gentle embrace that he stopped breathing for a moment.

“Do you want to come inside?” She asked softly as her nails moved back and forth against the back of his neck as her other hand rubbed his back.

How could he refuse?

He pulled away from her, finding her her looking so worried. “It hurts me to see you like this, Kaneki.” She whispered.

Ken felt a pang deep in his heart, hating himself for having caused her to feel this way. He didn’t want her hurting. Not her.

In a split second his lips covered hers and she accepted him - completely.

Touka wrapped her arms around Ken’s neck, pulling herself closer to him and deepening their kiss. Their tongues fervently rubbing against each other, tasting each other. His hands latched onto her hips, pulling her against his until she broke away from their kiss, breathless.

“Please, Kaneki.” She breathed against the corner of his parted mouth with her arms tightening around him.

She was desperate, as desperate as he was.

“Let’s go inside.” Ken told her.

Touka tore herself away from him completely, reaching for her keys in her apron and unlocking the front door. But before she could even turn the knob, an arm wrapped around her waist, lifting her up slightly off the floor. Ken held her up to her as he quickly opened the door and got themselves inside..

Before Touka knew it she was already in her room, on her bed and completely dazed. Ken was so fast, she could barely register what he had done. Her heart was racing so fast, she couldn’t recall a time she ever felt this way. He stood at the foot of her bed, breathing rapidly and staring at her with an urgency behind his eyes, but there was also a softness - a hesitation.

She got on her knees on the bed and shifted herself closer to him, his eyes never leaving her. She pressed her hands against his chest as her fingers could easily feel the firmness of his muscles beneath his black shirt, but then she placed her focus on his red tie, slowly undoing it.

“What had you crying?” Touka asked, her eyes looking up at Ken’s. She could see her reflection in his glassy orbs, but she could also see she wasn’t going to get answer. “Do you just want to forget?” Maybe that was the better question to ask.

_Forget?_

“Yes.” He sighed.

Touka placed her sights back on his chest as she pulled his tie off from around his neck, letting it drop and curl up on her floor. She took her time in unbuttoning his shirt, the whole time noticing his breathing becoming heavier.

Finally after undoing his last button, she pushed his shirt open, exposing his heaving chest and all those defined muscles she could feel beneath the fabric. Touka didn’t hesitate in her next move, leaning into him as her hands curled over his ribs and her lips were placed right over his racing heart.

Ken’s jaw fell as he felt the softness and warmth of her lips on his chest, watching as she placed gentle kisses over him and feeling her hands move from his ribs down to his lower back. Her fingers barely skimming where his rinkaku was. He shuddered.

The sensation was enough to spark even more excitement down to his dick, which was already painfully straining against his briefs. He had kept his hands down at his sides, curled up into tight fists as he restrained himself from taking control. This was too much for him, but it was a whole new experience with Touka.

Her kisses were tender, but leaving a searing trail over his skin. It felt good. It felt right

…for now.

“Is this,” kiss, “helping you,” another kiss, “forget?” Touka asked, brushing her lower lip against one of his pectorals.

Ken’s eyes had grown heavy with lust. “Yes…” He groaned.

“Good.” She smiled, pulling away so she could begin to undo her blouse. While she was at it Ken slipped off his shirt, letting that also fall to the floor with tie and his belt joined them soon after that.

Touka’s shirt had easily come off, but she couldn’t say the same for her bra. She was actually struggling. Ken’s lips twitched a bit in amusement as he reached behind her and wrapping his hands over her shaky ones. Her eyes flew up to look up at him as she let her hands fall away and let him undo the clasp of her bra without a problem. She sat there on her knees, frozen, as she felt his fingers skim her skin, brushing over her ribcage and delicately over the front of her bra before resting on the straps of it.

“Is this okay?” Ken asked, slipping his fingers under the straps with the obvious hint that he wanted to slip it off her. Touka only gave him a small nod, peering down to watch him slowly begin to pull the straps off her shoulders and then pushing them down arms until he pulled them off completely. Now she was the one exposed.

Ken dropped her bra to the floor and stood there for a moment taking in what was in front of him. Her breasts heaved with every breath she took and she was stunning. An arm instinctively went up to try to cover herself, but she stopped when her eye caught his gaze. He reached over to brush away the hair that covered her right eye, pushing it behind her ear and before she knew it she was on her back.

The cool sheets causing Touka’s skin to prickle with goose bumps, tightening her nipples into harder peaks. Ken was already laying beside her, his warmth engulfing her and his eyes looking directly into hers. He had a hand between her breasts, letting it rest there as his lips hovered over hers. Why was a simple touch from him so consuming?

“You’re so beautiful, Touka-chan.” He murmured. He wanted her to feel beautiful in this moment, not just because she was letting him have her. Her cheeks were already rosy, but his latest comment was enough to make her go full blown red.

“Say it again…” She let out, biting down on her lip as she realized she sounded needy, but it felt so good to hear that from his lips, as if her soul had been waiting to hear it.

Ken smiled, “So beautiful.” He repeated it for her. She wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing him down so they could kiss.

Their kiss was deep, tender, and loving. Ken hadn’t done this with any of the women he was with, not even Mutsuki. Kisses were too intense, too intimate. He never made them last. But with Touka…this was all different with her.

He wanted to feel  _everything_  with her.

Ken diverted his kisses down the side of her cheek, along her jawline and down her throat. Touka threw her arms above her head as her eyes fluttered shut, sighing over the overwhelming wave of pleasure already hitting her with just his kisses. His eyes flickered up to her as he kissed over her right breast, giving special attention to the mole before taking her hardened nipple into his mouth.

“Kaneki…” She moaned. He watched her expression, making sure he was losing her to the bliss and he had barely started. He began to suckle over her, letting his tongue take swipes over her bud. His mouth fit so perfectly well over her. Her breasts were now his - they belonged to him.

His hand had been slowly rubbing her outer thigh up and down, kneading a bit of fat there. She had filled out in all the right places since the last time he saw her years ago and he loved how it suited her and they suited his tastes. His hand moved under her skirt with his finger slipping between her legs and feeling a growing wet spot on her panties.

_God, was she this wet already because of me?_

“Can I touch you, Touka-chan?” Ken asked hoarsely as he broke away from her breast for just a moment.

“God, yes…please…” Touka was already losing her senses.

_Good._

He buried his hand into the front of her underwear, dipping his fingers right into her slick folds. He couldn’t help the groan that escaped from him. She was dripping wet; his fingers were covered in it with just a few strokes. He could feel her quiver over his fingers, showing off to him that’s how sensitive she was.

If this is how she was now, the thought of what she would be like once his cock was inside her drove him wild.

_Fuck, I’m not going to last once I’m inside her._

“I’m sorry…” Touka had turned so red when she began to hear the lewd, slick noises coming from between her legs. Even when she masturbated, admittedly thinking of Ken recently, she had never been this wet. He was causing her body to go haywire in the best way possible.

“Don’t be, you feel amazing.” He rasped. And then his fingers found her clit, getting an immediate reaction from Touka as she gasped and arched herself off the bed slightly. He shifted himself so that he could hover over her, to watch her for what he planned on next.

“Kaneki…” She mewled.

“I’ve got you, Touka-chan,” Kaneki let his fingers work her clit with intense ministrations all the while he kept his eyes on her contorting face.

Touka couldn’t quite understand how he knew exactly what to do to her, but the burning pleasure spreading throughout her body was already putting her into a hazy state. She could feel her hips making small movements against his fingers for more friction and he responded, adding more pressure and working her faster.

Was he really going to do this to her? The dark intensity in his eyes answered that for her.

“Keep looking at me,” He whispered, watching her do her best to keep her focus on him, “Just like that.” He watched her pant, her lips forming that perfect O as just a few more movements and she came undone right in front of him.

“Ohhhh–Kaneki–” Touka felt her body tense and then shudder as her orgasm hit her. She let out a loud, breathless sigh as Ken helped her ride out her release, stroking her and feeling her come make his fingers slicker. God, seeing her come was such a sight to behold, something he no doubt would dream about.

Ken removed his fingers from Touka, leaving her to recover from the little high she was still enjoying. He moved onto his knees, bringing his glistening fingers to his mouth to taste her and lick them clean. She looked on at him incredulously, but her core throbbed at the sight of him tasting her.

He only grinned at her and once his fingers were clean he began to remove her skirt. She propped herself up on her elbows, letting him take charge of it all. She was completely lost in the moment.

Once her skirt was gone he reached for her underwear, easily slipping them off and leaving her completely bare. He didn’t get a chance to marvel at her naked body, not yet as he stood up to undo his slacks and remove his briefs. Touka’s eye immediately fell down to his cock, watching it bob as he got back on his knees on the bed. This was really happening for her.

She gasped as Ken’s head dove between her legs, his nose skimming the inside of her thigh followed by his lips. She shivered and laid back down. For a moment she thought he was going to use his mouth on her, but instead he was placing soft kisses over her.

First it was her inner thigh, moving up along her hip bone, her belly and navel. His kisses were slow and so tender, they made her eyes flutter. It was when she felt his lips over her her ribcage that she shut her eyes completely to lose herself to his kisses.

Ken simply wanted to worship her body. She was absolute perfection in his eyes. Her skin was so warm and smooth, her intoxicating scent filling his senses will an overload of lust. He wanted her to remember this. If she couldn’t remember her past then he could make her remember him now, remember that he was the one who could make her feel this way.

_No one else will ever make her feel this way. Just me._

His lips returned to his favorite breast, suckling on that little mole that he so possessively claimed as his. She arched herself into him a bit more, one of her hands finding its way into his black and white hair, her nails raking along his scalp and pushing him to take more of her into his mouth. He hungrily did so, leaving little welts as she moaned as his cock painfully twitched with the sweet sounds she was emitting.

But after awhile Ken tore himself away from her, leaning into her ear. “Are you ready for me, Touka-chan?” He breathed.

Once again Touka could only nod, but it wasn’t enough for him. He had to hear it. He needed to hear her say she wanted him…

“Please tell me what you want, Touka-chan…tell me it’s me that you want…” He nuzzled his nose into the crook of her neck. She opened her eyes, tugging on his hair slightly to make him look at her.

“I want you, Kaneki. I  _need_  you.” She wanted her words to be believed and he did believe her.

Touka couldn’t explain why, she just just knew she really did need this. With him. Only him.

Ken made a pained expression as he kissed Touka for a sweet moment before pulling away from her. He grabbed a couple of pillows and placed them behind her head, elevating her just a bit. He got back on his knees, situating himself between her legs, letting the backs of her thighs rest over his. His cock had been severely lacking attention all night, it bobbed over her until it rested over her belly, the tip of it just over her navel and glistening with precum.

Once again Touka propped herself onto her elbow, reaching down to let her fingers curiously feel over his length. He was far bigger and thicker than she anticipated, it made her shudder. But she wanted him, her core quivering with excitement. The pad of her thumb ran along the oozing slit, causing him to hiss.

She pulled her hand away slightly. “I’m sorry…” If she had caused him any pain…

“It’s okay, you can touch me all you want.” He gave her a little bashful smile. He had never let anyone else touch him this way. He wouldn’t allow it. But he was Touka’s. All hers.

Touka bit her lower lip, placing her hand back over his cock, that twitched in response to her touch. He could feel a throb and then another. He had to keep it together. For her.

She swallowed hard, wrapping a delicate hand around him, feeling his velvety, veiny thickness and began to shake as she wondered if he would even fit in her and would it hurt…

“We don’t have to do this…” Ken could see the tiniest bit of hesitation glimmering in her eyes. The last thing he wanted was to make her do something she would regret.

Touka’s eyes flickered up to his, all hesitation disappearing. “No, I’ve wanted this. I’ve been wanting to feel you.” She shifted herself slightly, keeping a firm grip on him as she brushed the tip of his cock up and down her dripping entrance, coating herself with his precum and coating him with the remnants of her come.

Ken groaned, staring down at where they were almost joined. He grabbed a hold of her knees, giving them a tight squeeze as she pushed the head of his head into her entrance, stilling herself as she began to feel the beginnings of the stretch of her walls.

“Can I?” Ken murmured, wanting to take care of her from here on out. Their eyes met briefly as she pulled her hand away and let her hands grasp as the edges of one of the pillows behind her. She chewed on her bottom lip, giving him a nod and giving him the go ahead to continue.

He leaned in slightly to caress her flushed cheek. “I heard it can be painful,” He knew damn well it was, “So, please tell me if it is and I’ll stop, okay?”

“Okay…” Touka took a deep breath.

Ken let his hands grip her hips as he began to push himself deeper inside her. Touka let a lingering gasp grow more and more as inch by inch entered her, the stretch cause her to tense and dig her nails into the pillow sheets. He was very careful, alternating his sight back and forth from her face to his cock gliding so easily into her.

_Fuck, she’s so snug, so warm._

“Are you…okay?” He asked, still himself from going any further. He hadn’t even gone past her barrier.

“Mmmhmm.” Touka managed to let out, having shut her eyes as her body continued to adjust to the intrusion. It wasn’t as bad as she thought, it was as though her body was made to fit him.

Ken’s brows furrowed as he then gave a deep thrust, filling her completely with one swift movement. Touka’s eyes flew open as she let out a choked out cry, her face contorting in pain. He didn’t move, letting himself stay buried inside her. Even it was almost too much for him - feeling as though he could have come right there.

He leaned down to her, placing soft kisses over the side of her face. “I’m sorry.”

Touka could feel her cheeks burn up a bit more with his worry and tenderness. Him apologizing somehow made her feel that he always did that…always apologizing for something he had no control over. Was it a faint memory trying to come through?

“It’s okay…” She puffed out some air. The corner of her lips twitched, trying to hide her smile. “It stings, but at the same time…you feel good…” She admitted as she placed her hands over his shoulders, holding onto him.

Ken’s lips twitched as well, giving a small smile. His lips covered hers as gave a slow thrust, both of them moaning into each others mouths as Touka wrapped her legs around his waist, welcoming him - urging him on. The pain that had shocked through her quickly subsiding and her body giving into a growing pleasure deep in her core.

He pumped in and out of her in an unhurried pace, but he needed more. A lot more. He pushed himself up, grabbing a hold of her wrists and locking his hold on them as he pulled on them, quickening his thrusts. His hips slamming into her with a lot more force, getting a lot deeper. His hold on her wrists, pulling on her, was keeping her from riding up the bed.

Touka whimpered from the intense build up deep in the pit of her stomach. He was gliding in and out of her so easily, at this rate he wouldn’t last much longer, especially when he changed his position slightly and the head of his cock began to kiss her cervix.

Tears pooled in her eyes, the overwhelming sensation inside her was almost too much to bear. She writhed, pulling against his hold. “Ahh, Kaneki…I ca–can’t, hah…I’m com–coming!” She cried.

Ken let go of her wrists and switched up their position, taking a leg of hers and lifting it up over his shoulder. “S–Stay with me, Touka-chan…” He groaned into the inside of her calf muscle, staring down at her with half-lidded eyes. He slowed his thrusts a bit, but he was still getting deep inside her. He could feel her walls tighten around his cock even more. She was so close.

He didn’t want this to end, but he couldn’t wait to come inside her. He wanted to fill her with his essence, wanted to make her feel him deep inside her to let her know she was his. He wanted to be able to smell himself on her.

She would remember this night.

“Kaneki…ohhh, fuck…FUCK!” She cried out as another release rippled through her body, filling her with another high -  a potent haze that had her moaning with every throb her core gave off. A blissful feeling that her body had never known until now.

“Fuck, Tou–ka, fuuuuc–” Ken couldn’t hold himself back any more as he felt her walls constrict around him over and over again. His hips moved in a few quick, haphazard thrusts before he stilled completely and came deep inside her.

A hand held onto one of her hips, his fingers digging deep into her skin with his other hand held onto her ankle, moaning into her leg as his cock throbbed. Thick spurts of essence coated her walls that were milking him.

_Mine. Mine. Mine._

Ken’s mind whirled from his own orgasm that coursed through him. He had never come so hard or so much before. It had never been this intense. And the most surprising thing of all…he didn’t feel shame.

Touka bit back the soft moans she was letting out as she felt his semen pool inside her and warmth that followed. There had been a lingering emptiness inside her for the longest time, apart from the missing memories. It was an emptiness that could only be filled by Ken. She felt whole.

That’s when she knew he was such an important part of her life at some point. And she was going to hold onto it for as long as she could.

Ken began to carefully withdraw himself from Touka, shuddering from the loss of warmth. He was able to see his come begin to drip out of her just as he collapsed beside her. Both of them a little dazed and both of them taking in just how this would change everything between them.

-

Ken remained on his back, finally having regained control of his breathing, but there was still a lingering high coursing through his veins. It had been the most intense orgasm he had ever experienced. It made him wish he had waited for her.

Touka winced and let out a strained, pained sound as she shifted herself. She too had been on her back trying to regain composure, but also smiling to herself that this had happened. It had felt so right to her.

“What’s wrong?” Ken asked, noticing her pained expression.

“Nothing, I’m just a little a little sore.” Touka grinned, fixing herself against him. She rest her head over his chest and wrapped an arm and leg over him.

“I should have gone easier on you…” He felt bad.

“No, you definitely shouldn’t have. I’m not complaining.” She propped her chin on his chest to get a good look at him. “I can take whatever you do to me.” A sly smirk crossed her face.

Ken gave her a grin of his own at her. “Good to know.”

They both shut their eyes, basking in the moment and simply wanting to be consumed by each other’s warmths. Normally Ken would be putting on his clothes and getting ready to leave. That’s what he did with everyone else. Once he made them come and he got his high, he couldn’t bear to look at them again. So, he always left as quickly as he could.

But as he opened his eyes and stared down at Touka’s resting face over him, he had to ask himself: Was this what peace was like?

It had to be - and this was something Ken didn’t want to walk away from.

He shut his eyes once again, tightening his arms around Touka and breathed her in.

_Let me stay._

“Did I love you?” Touka asked suddenly as she let a finger trace down the center of Ken’s bare chest before splaying her hand over it and watching rise and fall with every calm breath he let in and out…

In and out…

Ken’s eyes snapped open. The question came out of nowhere and it was a question that made his heart skip a couple of beats, but he tried to appear unfazed by it.

“Yeah, you loved me. You were completely head over heels for me. You thought I was the most handsome, half-ghoul, idiot in all of Tokyo.” He put on a smug face, but even he couldn’t hold himself back from chuckling at his lame answer and Touka giggled with him. Her laugh was such a rare treat.

He missed it.

After a moment though, both their laughters faded into content smiles but that still had lingering traces of sadness.

“I’m being serious.” Touka kept her eyes on him, hoping he would look at her. She wanted to see his eyes, she wanted to make herself remember something about him and she knew there was something there in his grey orbs that would help her remember.

“I know.” Ken sighed. “Honestly, I don’t know what your feelings were for me.” That was the truth.

For the longest time he had believed that Touka had nothing but contempt for him, only having to deal with him because she was pretty much forced to deal with him. But there were moments when he thought maybe she did feel something for him and that assumption was fueled even more by how many times she had saved him.

She was the reason why he was still alive.

“Did you love me?” Touka flipped her question and once again Ken hadn’t expected it.

_With all my heart and soul._

That’s what he wanted to tell her, that’s what his heart cried out and it was begging to be heard. To be loved. But he couldn’t admit to it. He wouldn’t allow his heart to get what it wanted.

“It was just a silly crush. I never got the chance to do anything about it.” Lies.

Touka gazed up at him, her bullshit detector clearly going off. “That’s not an answer, Kaneki.”

He finally let his eyes find hers, hooked in by her hopeful violet orbs. This was Touka, the woman he had been dreaming about - pretended to be with - for years. She deserved the truth and yet all he wanted to do was keep lying to her. It had to stop.

_Tell her. Tell her. TELL HER._

“I did. I really did love you…” His voice was cracking from the emotions hitting him. Tears already stinging his eyes, but Touka was quick to capture his lips with hers. It was a kiss that was meant to stop the tears because in that moment she knew that he had been in pain of not being able to be with her. A kiss to let him know she wanted him.

“The way we are together…the way we were together tonight…tells me there’s always been something between us. Even though I can’t remember you, part of me desperate for this. A part of me is telling me to hold onto you.” She said breathed against his lips, stroking his cheek with her thumb. “I might never get my memories back, Kaneki, but we could still build something together. Do you think you’d want that?” There was hope laced in her voice. She was hopeful that Kaneki would still want her even if she couldn’t remember him.

He might have felt he didn’t deserve her or any happiness because the things he had done, but he wanted it. He wanted it all.

With her.

_My Touka-chan._

Ken’s eyes and lips smiled. “I would love that.”

-


End file.
